To Painful To Accept

Here I am looking through the photos I posted just before I started this entry. Gosh it hurts, I can't believe we just can't make it through this tough period. You are right, you don't know how long this situation is going to last, and you can't promise how long it's gonna take you to really get used to the job, so...what else can I say?

I really hope there is some way which we can come to a conclusion we can mutually accept, but I guess what I'm asking is for us to both sacrifice what we desire the most. I honestly don't think I'm asking much generally, I just need to feel you, I don't like to feel empty. But I guess that's beyond the most I can ask for considering your job nature. Maybe you are right, any more compromise from us will only bring more pressure and more oppression, and at the end there will be nothing left but hatred and resentment between us.

But after all that's said and done, it just hurts to lose you...

Reality Check

Gosh i haven't been this confused and stressed for a while. And yes Stacy, your cousin is having relationship problem again. Before i type anything else i just wanna say that it seems like in all my relationships, those i have specially deep feelings for are all far away from me. I meant that as in distance. First was between PA and CA, 2nd was between PA and NJ, though much closer but driving all the time was a bitch. And now! It's between where i live and all the major cities in the world. Yes, she is a flight stewardess.

The funny thing is that i helped her during the time she was going for the job. In the beginning she was working in the duty free store, which she hated, and then she finally got into the airport and work as ground staffs at the check-in counter, which she didn't hate but was stressful with the weird working hour and commute. And now she achieved her dream of becoming a flight stewardess. Gosh i can't even remember how much i helped and supported her during this whole process...it's more than a year i think. And the sad thing is that i knew things would change the minute she started flying...god damn it i fucking i knew it. And i just hate the fact that i can't hide the feeling of feeling shitty knowing i'm the single soul who supported her all through the way. In other words, i pretty much threw myself into the shit hole we're in.

I can't believe how hard it is to get used to her schedule. I'm so used to having her around all the time, and i mean, that's really what i move back to TW for. I wanted to date an TW girl in a normal relationship, and most importantly...NO MORE DISTANCE! But fuck...it's happening again. And like i said, it didn't started as a long distance thing, it started fine, but i knew it's going to become a long distance thing, and i had part supporting it when i know very fucking well the fact that i don't want it to happen. I guess there're 2 ways to look at it. First is i was betting on her not getting the job, i mean she's waited for 2 years and the chance of really getting the job is pretty low. Now another way of looking at it is that...maybe i just can't let go of her. I do remember having a fight w/ her about this whole thing when she first got the notice that she got the job, it wasn't a pretty scene, but then i gave in. You know...mom's right, i lose sense of self when i'm in relationships, i always give in, i can't make conscious and logical decision in terms of how i want to direct my relationships and what situation i want it to lean toward to. I'll admit it...it really fucking sucks.

I can't let go of her because i know if it wasn't for this stupid job thingy we'd be fine. We'd be so good i might think i'm the luckiest man alive. But...reality check...it's her J-O-B...she needs the money. And i don't blame her for it, it's not easy to get a good paying job in TW anymore...hell, it's more like it's impossible to get a good paying job in TW anymore, not even managers. So she's willing to sacrifice her health and time for the job in exchange for the good pay. I'm quite sure she's not a god digger, i know her family situation and i know why she needs to money, and once again this is why i know it's not right to be mad at her or even give her any sort of pressure. But fuck...it's so hard. It's so hard when i always have to ask her for her schedule and make arrangement with her and my free time. And that's another problem...our free time is never on the same time. I can't help but to keep asking myself why i'm having a gf that i cannot reach and feel. I'm a human being, i have feelings, i need to feel her...fuck...it's so hard...

And after saying all that...i just can't let go...

Crazy Cousin

Yes I'm dedicating this entire entry to my crazy ass cousin Stacy to tell her that she needs to stop stabbing my feet with her spirit coz it's fucking up my life in just about every way.

So...first of, I hope this "new" boyfriend of yours is "still" the one you mentioned to me about last time we talked online who um...takes virginity quite seriously. If it is, ok good, you're not a slut, ha! Yeh sure it'd be great to meet him, after all you still need a man to tell you what he's thinking with his dick...since all men think with dicks. Like I mentioned to you before, my girlfriend and I are saving money for a trip back to the states so I can show you guys to her and places where I grew up in and such. And I'm still very much looking forward to it so...let's hope nothing is gonna happen to ruin the plan.

So you got together with Janny eh? How is she? I know she's strong-minded but I probably know better than anyone else that she also has a weak side and she nearly broke down on me once before, so more than anything else I hope her family and financial situation is stable, or better yet, had improved since I left. And if she's continuing her education and most definitely wish her good luck. I do hope she reaches graduation before you do, ha! And I didn't mean that as a joke or anything, I just really hope this time she can get her degree if she's seriously considering finishing it. But anyhow, if you see her again or talk to her, please pass on my wishes good luck for her.

Actually my girlfriend is scheduled to fly to NYC these few days. I don't exactly know where she will stay, but I only know she's only staying for two days and she's got plans lined up to tour the city with her crew friends. I'd love to arrange something for you or Kyle to meet up with her, but I guess I"ll do that when I go back to visit with her.

Alright take care! Do your studying! And...wear protection! Ha!

Some photos we took when we went to Macau:

When is this fucking pain gonna go away?!

Ok i'm supposed to be really busy at work now for the fact that i'm taking off 2 days going to Macau w/ babe tomorrow and i really need to get all the transactions done before i go home tonight, but...fuck i just wanna go blank and stare in the air for like...2 hrs, ha!

Honestly i'm pretty fed up with my foot pain. It's been i don't even know how long and i still don't see any signs of them going away. I was this close to living on pain killers for like a week. I know it's not good, but if you feel like your stepping on nails for each steps you take, believe me, you'd wanna live on pain killers.

*sigh* Ok i'll make a confession. I miss the states. I honestly do. I miss chicken wings, and believe or not, i miss football, and hell i'm not even that big of a football fan, but i just miss that atmosphere. I miss Hunan's house specials, I miss driving on 78 and 22, I don't miss the snow, but i miss the feeling knowing there is snow. I miss pinching Stacy's face, and i miss going to City View with her and her friends, and i miss tina's small eyes, ha! But then again i must ask myself again...are they ALL that i miss??? I mean i cannot possibly move back to the states for the reasons above. I know i CAN start a new life here, a new GOOD and FUN life here, but i must admit with this stupid ass pain i have i really don't wanna go out and explore the city.

When is this pain going away!?!?!?!?!?!

What you think Stacy?